I'M GOING TO RUIN A MOVIE-VIEWING EXPERIENCE
One of my readers, davidmsc
, has suggested that I discuss the things that I think are wrong with the new Mel Gibson movie Signs
. Please note that spoilers are about to be revealed. Don't read any further if you're planning on seeing the film.
plays a Pennsylvania
farmer who finds a cryptic symbol
carved in to his field of crops. It soon becomes apparent that hostile aliens
are using the crop circles to navigate, and that they are establishing beachheads by landing right on top of the circles. Mel realizes that he's going to have a rampaging horde
of aliens come down out of the sky just a few hundred yards from his front door. The decision is made to barricade the family in the farmhouse and, I dunno, wait until the aliens get bored or something.
I mentioned in my previous post about the movie
that Me's character doesn't own a gun, even though he's a farmer in the U.S. Many people who live in towns or cities think of firearms
as being nothing more than devices of crime and destruction, but to the farmer they're an indespenable tool
for controlling animals
that would eat the crops
. Heck, even countries with insane gun control laws, such as England
, still allow their farmers and vets to own guns. The idea that Mel would be completely unarmed is idiotic.
Mel and his family live in a wooden farmhouse, and the aliens have a problem breaking in to the place. They eventually find a way, though, so everyone retreats to the cellar where a single wooden door is the only thing standing between the family and certain death. This simple wooden door completely defeats the alien's plans. They came from someplace light years away and no one thought to bring a few tools along
. Nor do any of the aliens think to rummage through Mel's barn
for an axe. If the aliens ever do invade we don't need secret military projects
to combat the UFO menace, all we need is to build wooden privacy fences
around the crop circles!
At the end of the film the aliens suddenly pack up and leave. The radio reports that although it appears that the aliens landed to harvest the humans as food, someone in the Middle East had discovered a weapon effective against the unstoppable foe (unstoppable if you don't think to lock your doors, that is). The weapon is water
, which causes the alien's skin to dissolve.
Oh, come on! Didn't they have windows in their freakin' spaceships? Couldn't they just see that the Earth was lousy with water
? And they had scouts wandering around for a few days to make the crop circles and check things out for the invasion. Wouldn't at least one
of these guys have walked through a sprinkler
or walked through a creek
The final scene with the aliens has Joaquin Phoenix
beating one to death with a wooden baseball bat
, even though splashing some water on the creature helps things along. It's obvious that the aliens don't have any tools or weapons, can't fight a guy with a baseball bat or other primitive weapon, aren't smart enough use the tools lying around a farm and have water soluble skin.
I can see why they'd never make a movie about aliens landing at my house. It would be boring to see a movie about an old fat guy defeating
an alien invasion
using the antiques
from his gun safe
. Or I'd just use one of these
. It would be a cheap movie to produce since it would only be 20 minutes long.