I work at night and sleep during the day. I decided some years ago that the only way to get some dark and quiet is to move a bed in to the basement. First there were a bunch of crumpled papers that I had to throw away, then the light would flicker every ten seconds or so. When I finally got everything fixed and cleaned up I moved my bed down there. It's always unmade and covered with Hostess Fruit Pie wrappers and comic books.
While all of this was going on my dogs started to act weird. Their teeth turned brown, their breath stunk worse than ever, and they all had a bad case of the runs. I had no idea what was going on.
I was browsing through old news articles when I came across this item about the 2001 winner of the Turner Prize, a prestigious art award. I noticed with amusement that Martin Creed, the winner of the award, had teeth that looked exactly like my dog's. Then I read further and my amusement turned to rage.
Mr. Creed's winning display consisted of a large empty room with a light that would flicker every ten seconds or so. Coincidence, you say? But it seems that his entry the year before was an empty room littered with crumpled paper.
Mr. Creed is sneaking in to my house while I'm off at work, bribing my dogs with English toffees. That's why all of their teeth look so similar. If Mr. Creed's breath is as rank as my pet's then I have proof!
Mr. Creed must have been talking to some of his fellow artists about the source of his inspiration. One of the entries in 1995 was an unmade bed covered with used condoms and champagne corks (they must have decided to go for the more glamorous condoms/corks as an example of artistic license).
The controversial paintings made with elephant dung was even inspired by a clandestine visit to my house. One time I was cleaning up an accident that one of my dog's had left for me and I noticed that it was the spitting image of the eighth President of the U.S., Martin van Buren (and did he look MAD!). Hmmmm. Martin van Buren, Martin Creed. A coincidence? I think not!
I'll have enough evidence to sue as soon as I see this year's winner. If it's a sink piled high with dirty dishes then it will be too obvious to deny! The Turner Prize rightfully belongs to me!
NOTE TO MADONNA Since I sleep in the basement, you'll have to knock loudly to wake me up when you come over with the check.